On Your Own Terms.

NOTE: I want to thank Joe Mazza for the inspiration for this post.

------------------------

This has been one hell of a week. Lots of ups, a bunch of downs - exhausting, to say the least.

It has also given me a lot to think about in terms of how I go about making the art I want to make.

Everyone has their strengths, and everyone has their weaknesses. We all have ways that work best for us in terms of doing what we love to do. And yes, we should all work and strive to able to do it all, attack work in any circumstances and deliver the best possible results, but the truth of the matter is, some artists will do better in one set of production circumstances than others, and those artists who do not do as well should not be dismissed as lesser artists simply because their strengths lie elsewhere, and have proven those strengths.

I have been learning a lot about myself as an artist over the last few years. I have been fortunate enough to have opportunities to both succeed and fail, and from each take away useful lessons about the work and about my own limitations and abilities.

In a conversation I recently had, I was able to step back and look at my own body of work. And something has become abundantly clear. The work I feel best about, the work that was most artistically fulfilling and that the audience was most enthralled by (Cabaret and Glengarry Glen Ross, for example) has been work that I have been able to give a good amount of time and personal attention to, even well before rehearsals began. They were works that I have allowed to grow inside of me, evolve and breath and take real shape that could then be brought into an organic rehearsal room and be given life. On the opposite side, the work I have been most frustrated and dissatisfied with has been work where I have felt rushed, or been in a position where I have not felt ready to give the work its due, whether because of prep time, rehearsal time, or any number of other factors.

Let me say right here, at this point, that this is not a post of me making excuses, and this is not me complaining about "not having enough [whatever]". I don't believe in that. Any difficulties I may have are mine, whereas others may shine under the same circumstances, and I will not work any less or any less passionately to deliver the best that I can. And, especially after being at the O'Neill, I have enormous respect and admiration for being able to put up work quickly and effectively. I recognize the necessity for that, and I do welcome the opportunity to continue challenging myself in those areas so that I can grow and develop skills in an arena where I currently feel less than my best (I may not feel good about the products that might result from me being in a Theatermakers-style directing setting, but damn I would savor each chance to strengthen myself and be a better artist under those conditions). All I am doing is examining my own strengths and weaknesses, and what I seem to need - at this stage of my development - to really do work that I am proud of.

What came out of this conversation, however, was an important realization. Even though I plan on involving myself in the future in "quick-fire" theatre opportunities and welcome the development and exercise opportunities afforded by them, at a certain point, I need to take a break from beating my head against the wall and wishing that I was like someone else who might excel at doing work this quickly. Instead, perhaps I should simply recognize where my strengths lie, and make an opportunity for myself to do work on those terms. My terms.

After my last two big productions, I know I have a place in this business, and I know that I am able to direct well. I don't believe that there is anything wrong with taking a step back and saying "this is how I work best. So, this is how I am going to work, at the very least, on my next show." I have a right to do that, to make work that I feel good about in a way that I feel good about. Just because I struggle with making my art in one set of circumstances, doesn't mean that I am not a good artist. Artists are known to have their specific ways and styles of working and "sets of demands", often to a comedic fault. These often arise through trial and error, discovering what elements provide for the best artistic result, and attempting to stay close to those elements. When you get right down to it, one is allowed to have strengths and weaknesses, and one is allowed to make opportunities to display their strengths.

So I may not be the best at short-rehearsal readings. No one can take Cabaret and Glengarry away from me. And I will work my ass off to get better at the short-rehearsal fare. But for now, its time for me to show this community what I can do. On my terms.

Ultimately, the result is (hopefully) great art that everyone on every side can feel good about, moved by, changed by, provoked by. What's wrong with setting oneself up to deliver that in the best way they can?